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I cannot point to a time when I did not believe in God. And if I were called to explain the reason for my faith, I would have to say, much like other believers today and before me, that it comes not from one particular event or from one divine spark of inspiration but from all the things I’ve experienced as they have come together to open up the Truth. The same explanation is given for my belief in Christ as my Savior, that all things together  leave me sure that there is no other hope. That there is no greater love. This is almost regrettable. God has put the burden on me to decide my faith…and to stick with it. I would have preferred a bolt of lightening. Whispers and observations as I progress in my journey are much harder to work with.

One is likely to hear a believer speak of a “relationship” with the Son of God. Faith is an individual effort, nurtured by community. Jesus calls us to walk with Him, as a “friend.” That said, however, in a society where there are a multiplicity of competing philosophies, it is first necessary for the Christian (the over-thinking one anyway) to firmly, as much as possible, make concrete the essentials of the gospel. It is necessary to read God’s Word.

The Bible is where our understanding is rooted. We must continually strive to be edified and equipped. However, having knowledge of the Son of God is one thing; having a relationship is something else. What I have discovered over the years is that one of the greatest obstacles to becoming a mature Christian is not the having knowledge but the having feelings. I want to feel close to Christ. I am not talking about living on emotions. I am not even talking about achieving balance, which is a  necessary part of any healthy living. I am talking about the very nature of being human and having the capacity to engage in relationships. THE Relationship. We are feeling beings. And we somehow know that our spirit is capable of communing, or being aware of, God’s presence living within us.

The truth is, I am one who finds it difficult to feel the presence of God, at least as often as I would like. How, then, am I supposed to have a relationship with Christ? I suspect I’m not alone. It is in that effort, if one can make it more possible to feel God, that I spend the second half of my life. I suppose it isn’t much different than how I spent the first half, except that I hope to do it more intentionally and carefully. That is, being always careful to discern. It is here where I attempt to journal some of that process.

After many years of thinking about God’s place in my earthly life, two underlying themes  always remain: Is God a personal God? And, is God enough for a fulfilling life here? I suppose that it is not so much that I am searching for answers to these questions, because I already know the answers. He is personal. He is enough. Rather, my searching is more a matter of finding ways to continually remain on top of these answers. It is also sometimes a matter of rephrasing or refining the questions. And sometimes, it is a matter of realizing the vanity of the questions in themselves. For when Christ is the center of my existence, achieving personal self-fulfillment becomes…well…less fulfilling. And instead of me asking questions, I begin to hear Him asking some of me.


Bio: I was born of Mexican-Irish-Croatian ancestry and adopted at birth. I lived most of my early years in Indiana. As a military wife, I followed my husband to various parts of the world. We have raised three daughters and currently reside in southern Texas. I earned a master’s degree in accounting, focusing in accounting information systems, and am a certified public accountant. I was born too curious and too analytical for my own good.

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